While at my mom's for J.D. funeral......I realized how little she thinks of the abuse that we suffered at the hands of her ex-husband......I'm not sure if her reaction to the article that was written about Dennis was a reaction to the passing of J.D. or if it just had to do with the abuse in general.......
Jonathan came down from Chicago and was going to go spend the night at his dad's..........Bobby got wind of this and wanted to make sure Jonathan's dad got a copy of the article as he was the abuser.......Mom's reaction really threw me for a loop........
I printed it out like Bobby had asked....Somehow it got scattered and I had to put it back in order..........Mom told Jonathan with disgust that he might want to read it before giving it to his dad....
Bobby is at the stage where he needs this person to know how the abuse effected him............
We all need him to know that the abuse he inflicted on us is/was not going to effect us in our adult lives in any way...........
Mom still acts as if the abuse was nothing.......That we should just be able to pick up and move on.....I'm sorry mom but we are unable to do that.......
Billy is in jail right now and has been drinking his abuse away for years.......He drinks to be numb, he drinks so he doesn't have to feel....He drinks because he doesn't know how to deal with the thoughts in his mind, the images of the abuse that he suffered, the things he endured at the hands of this man......Hopefully one day he will be able to get to the place in life where he can heal and won't drink no more and finally make the right decisions.........
Bobby went threw the same situation as Billy is going threw now....but Dennis stepped in and was able to get Bobby on the right track.....Though not before he was in and out of jail........Hooked on drugs and beer..........Even after he left Dennis's foster care he made bad choices.........These choices are indirectly related to the abuse that he suffered as a child at the hands of this monster......It took Jesse being born to straighten Bobby up.........That little boy put Bobby on the right path but it took until Jesse was a couple of years old to do that........He finally turned himself around when Jesse was about 3 or 4......got a decent job, quit drinking (One of the hardest things to do), got his life straight and started attending AA......It was there he met Jennifer.....They got married and have 2 boys.........but in the mean time Bobby grew into a man and now owns his own business........he is totally different from the boy he was........Yes he let the abuse effect him but he finally learned to control it and lead his life, not let his life lead him.......
And I now have 6 beautiful kids..........1 of which I lost 17 yrs ago.......I lost him because I was still dealing with the after effects of the sexual abuse I had suffered....there was also mental abuse as well......I didn't know how to care for him........I couldn't care for him........SRS stepped in and took him.........At the time I was very angry, still am to a point but now that I look back I realize how much the results of the abuse had taken control over my life...........Since then I have grown up........I waited to have more kids........I did try to have more kids and had several miscarriages but now I realize that I wasn't meant to have children until I was ready.......When Clayton was just 6 1/2 I discovered I was pg with Alyssa........its a very long story about how we came to be..........but I now own my own home and am a sahm of 5 beautiful kids, 2 girls and 3 boys..........Whom I would give my life to protect......I'm having issues at this time with the abuse that I suffered at the hands of this abuser and that is how my blog came to be........See when I was much younger and going threw theraphy, my therapist told me writing about it would help..........And the thing is, she was right.......only at the time I thought she was crazy.........and didn't do it.....It was because I wasn't ready to heal.......Well now I am........and I'm going to conquer the feelings of worthlessness and become a mom that my kids are proud of..........
Monday, July 5, 2010
Continuing life
A week ago thursday was the hardest day I have faced in a long time. (June 24th) A man that I had known and loved for the last 17 years passed away......He was my step-dad J.D. This man loved us as if we were his own kids......Accepted us, baggage and all, no questions asked.......You may wonder why I am putting this here.....Its because there are so many questions in my heart and very few know of this blog whereas my little sister reads my other blog quite often....I don't want her to question anything about her daddy's untimely passing nor will she know about the poor choices that our mom has once made until the time is right......
J.D. was a great man.....The song "he didn't have to be" I know this is not the name of it but it talks about a single mom who went out on a date with someone new.....And how this little boy hoped that he could be the dad that he didn't have to be.........This song suited J.D. perfect........He was an awesome dad..........There was another song that was played at his funeral that I hadn't heard in a very long time.......Its called "Daddy's hands" by Holly Dunn........Daddy's hands weren't always gentle when I'd done wrong, Daddy's hands were kind and gentle.........I'm not even sure this is how the words go but you get what I am saying......I will figure out one of these days how to add music to my blog and that will be one of the songs that I ad......
J.D. died of a massive heart attack after coming out of surgery for what had become known to us as a routine surgery.....J.D suffered from cerebal palsy........I say suffered and I shouldn't because he never let it slow him down......He faced challenges each and everyday and conquered them with great pride.......Anyways one of his side effects of the cp was that his uretha would close off with scar tissue......He would constantly have uti's........So ever so often they would go in and build him a new uretha to help pass the urine out of his system......Well the 23rd of June, he was at the hospital for this surgery once again.........He had had numerous tests on his heart for the past several years......He had been having periods of blacking out.......Looking back we now know that they were heart attacks......He had many tests done......Ekgs and stress tests.........He made out of surgery just great........But during recovery they were never able to get a handle on his pain.......This was something unusal because with his cp, he lived in pain most days from the spastic in his muscles........He kept complaining of his back hurting.........They ran ekg after ekg.......It was on the 3rd ekg that they discovered that he was having a massive heart attack.......Mom and J.D.'s pastor and wife was there with them.......They had to rush J.D. to the cath lab.....It became a dangerous situation at that time........Normally with a heart attack you are given blood thinners.........but with him just having surgery, the surgery sites open and adding blood thinners could have done more harm then good........He could have bled to death if given to much....They went in and found out that his right artery was a 100 % blocked and the rest were 75% blocked...........They were able to place 3 stints in his right artery but because he was so unstable they were not able to get in to the others.....They came out of the cath lab and told mom and everyone that was there that the next 24-48 were critical.........I recieved the first phone call around 8:30 that night that he had had his first heart attack........I asked questions but mom was in no frame of mind to answer them.......Mom and Sarah was up at the hospital and while he was somewhat stable, Sarah and I talked on facebook.....joking around being happy.........A friend of mine who also has cp and I were joking around............And about 5 mins before I got the phone call that his heart had stopped..........Mom made Sarah get off the computer and my friend also got off the computer.........We joked that he had made it this far that everything was going to be ok........I keep hearing/seeing those words in my mind that everything was ok.......Then my world stops........My phone rings and its my mom calling me and telling me that his heart has stopped beating........That they are working on him.........I'm at a loss of what to say, what to do......I hung up with her and prayed to god that they would be able to bring him back.........When my phone rang again in what seemed like only seconds, it was my little sister screaming and crying..........He didn't make it.......I had to ask mom as Sarah was to out of it....Why would God take him from us....He was put here to help us heal from the abuse that we had suffered.........It wasn't his time to go!!!! We were not ready for him to go..........but apparently he had accomplished all that he was meant to accomplish......
Why are we left with so many unanswered questions?? How can drs miss a heart so badly damaged by heart attacks that could have prevented his untimely death!! How can it take 3 ekgs to find out that he was having a massive heart attack as it was.......Why did they not do labs/ok if they did I dont' know......those labs should have shown that he was having a heart attack.......Why when they did a stress test 2 wks before that it came back fine?? Why when they did an echo a year and a half ago did it not show some of the damage then.........these black outs had been going on for at least 4 1/2 yrs..........If these tests do not show much then why do they do them at all.......Is there more that could have been done??
These questions come from a broken heart that will eventually heal somewhat....but for now I will mourn the loss of a great man who didn't have to be a dad......
When he met my mom and asked her to marry him.......He became an instant dad of 5 very scarred children.......3 teenagers who were scattered threw out kansas........Teenagers that needed unconditional love and understanding.........He gave us that and so much more............
R.I.P J.D~We love you....You will be greatly missed....And while we are sad of your passing, the sadness is for ourselves in what you will miss in our lives and in the lives of our children.......Our sadness is not for you........We are rejoicing that you are in heaven with our heavenly father and that you are holding our baby sister Gabriel and that you are not in any pain...You have your perfect body.......Our sadness will soon pass thou missing you will not..........watch over us and be our guardian angel that we so despertly need........We love you!!!!
J.D. was a great man.....The song "he didn't have to be" I know this is not the name of it but it talks about a single mom who went out on a date with someone new.....And how this little boy hoped that he could be the dad that he didn't have to be.........This song suited J.D. perfect........He was an awesome dad..........There was another song that was played at his funeral that I hadn't heard in a very long time.......Its called "Daddy's hands" by Holly Dunn........Daddy's hands weren't always gentle when I'd done wrong, Daddy's hands were kind and gentle.........I'm not even sure this is how the words go but you get what I am saying......I will figure out one of these days how to add music to my blog and that will be one of the songs that I ad......
J.D. died of a massive heart attack after coming out of surgery for what had become known to us as a routine surgery.....J.D suffered from cerebal palsy........I say suffered and I shouldn't because he never let it slow him down......He faced challenges each and everyday and conquered them with great pride.......Anyways one of his side effects of the cp was that his uretha would close off with scar tissue......He would constantly have uti's........So ever so often they would go in and build him a new uretha to help pass the urine out of his system......Well the 23rd of June, he was at the hospital for this surgery once again.........He had had numerous tests on his heart for the past several years......He had been having periods of blacking out.......Looking back we now know that they were heart attacks......He had many tests done......Ekgs and stress tests.........He made out of surgery just great........But during recovery they were never able to get a handle on his pain.......This was something unusal because with his cp, he lived in pain most days from the spastic in his muscles........He kept complaining of his back hurting.........They ran ekg after ekg.......It was on the 3rd ekg that they discovered that he was having a massive heart attack.......Mom and J.D.'s pastor and wife was there with them.......They had to rush J.D. to the cath lab.....It became a dangerous situation at that time........Normally with a heart attack you are given blood thinners.........but with him just having surgery, the surgery sites open and adding blood thinners could have done more harm then good........He could have bled to death if given to much....They went in and found out that his right artery was a 100 % blocked and the rest were 75% blocked...........They were able to place 3 stints in his right artery but because he was so unstable they were not able to get in to the others.....They came out of the cath lab and told mom and everyone that was there that the next 24-48 were critical.........I recieved the first phone call around 8:30 that night that he had had his first heart attack........I asked questions but mom was in no frame of mind to answer them.......Mom and Sarah was up at the hospital and while he was somewhat stable, Sarah and I talked on facebook.....joking around being happy.........A friend of mine who also has cp and I were joking around............And about 5 mins before I got the phone call that his heart had stopped..........Mom made Sarah get off the computer and my friend also got off the computer.........We joked that he had made it this far that everything was going to be ok........I keep hearing/seeing those words in my mind that everything was ok.......Then my world stops........My phone rings and its my mom calling me and telling me that his heart has stopped beating........That they are working on him.........I'm at a loss of what to say, what to do......I hung up with her and prayed to god that they would be able to bring him back.........When my phone rang again in what seemed like only seconds, it was my little sister screaming and crying..........He didn't make it.......I had to ask mom as Sarah was to out of it....Why would God take him from us....He was put here to help us heal from the abuse that we had suffered.........It wasn't his time to go!!!! We were not ready for him to go..........but apparently he had accomplished all that he was meant to accomplish......
Why are we left with so many unanswered questions?? How can drs miss a heart so badly damaged by heart attacks that could have prevented his untimely death!! How can it take 3 ekgs to find out that he was having a massive heart attack as it was.......Why did they not do labs/ok if they did I dont' know......those labs should have shown that he was having a heart attack.......Why when they did a stress test 2 wks before that it came back fine?? Why when they did an echo a year and a half ago did it not show some of the damage then.........these black outs had been going on for at least 4 1/2 yrs..........If these tests do not show much then why do they do them at all.......Is there more that could have been done??
These questions come from a broken heart that will eventually heal somewhat....but for now I will mourn the loss of a great man who didn't have to be a dad......
When he met my mom and asked her to marry him.......He became an instant dad of 5 very scarred children.......3 teenagers who were scattered threw out kansas........Teenagers that needed unconditional love and understanding.........He gave us that and so much more............
R.I.P J.D~We love you....You will be greatly missed....And while we are sad of your passing, the sadness is for ourselves in what you will miss in our lives and in the lives of our children.......Our sadness is not for you........We are rejoicing that you are in heaven with our heavenly father and that you are holding our baby sister Gabriel and that you are not in any pain...You have your perfect body.......Our sadness will soon pass thou missing you will not..........watch over us and be our guardian angel that we so despertly need........We love you!!!!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
continuing on
It was shortly there after that my mom left my dad. As the years progressed, I would hear bits and pieces about how my dad used to beat my mom and how he put my grandma in the hospital. My family kept it all so hush hush that I'm not sure if it was true or not. But thats the story of my dad. There will be more postings about abuse that my brothers suffered at his hands as well as an incident after I grew up.
The beginning
I guess really I should begin at the beginning.....I am going to use this as a theraphy tool, I may not share everything but then again I may share graphic details. I need to heal my heart and soul. but there is a pattern of abuse in our family.........I'm stopping it with me
I was born in 1975 to a teenage mom and dad..........My mom was 16 when she got pg with me and then had me at 17......She ran away from home near coffeyville, ks to Des Moines, IA where I was born. I do not know of the reason why my mom left her home but I do know that she told me at one time she was molested by her oldest brother. They moved us back to kansas when I was 6 mths old and they split up shortly there after. It was then that the man that I love today as my very own father entered our lives.......He enter them when I was 18 mths old.......Which would have been around Feburary 1977, which could not be right because my little brother Bobby was born in Sept of 77 and that is his dad, there is no denying it. Each and every day he looks more and more like him. So I would say I was closer to 16 mths old. I don't remember much about their rocky relationship but I know my Daddy was in the Navy as a Seabee and had done 3 tours of duty in vietnam. Vietnam really messed him up........I do remember one time of getting my butt blistered when I was in kindergarten, this was shortly before we left him. And having to wear pants to the SRS office because I had bruises up and down my legs from where he hit me with a belt....The story behind the punishment
I was in kindergarten in Independance, Ks. (so I was 5) and school got out. I was suppose to wait at school for my daddy to pick me up but when he didn't show. I walked home with a friend of the family to Iola's house. I remember making it over there and being there for awhile. And then Daddy finally showing up. He was mad. He couldn't find me. He yelled at me for not waiting for him at the school. He told me that he was going to beat me when he got home. And boy did he ever. I can still remember that beating. I don't remember where my mom was at that time. I just remember why I got the beating.
I was born in 1975 to a teenage mom and dad..........My mom was 16 when she got pg with me and then had me at 17......She ran away from home near coffeyville, ks to Des Moines, IA where I was born. I do not know of the reason why my mom left her home but I do know that she told me at one time she was molested by her oldest brother. They moved us back to kansas when I was 6 mths old and they split up shortly there after. It was then that the man that I love today as my very own father entered our lives.......He enter them when I was 18 mths old.......Which would have been around Feburary 1977, which could not be right because my little brother Bobby was born in Sept of 77 and that is his dad, there is no denying it. Each and every day he looks more and more like him. So I would say I was closer to 16 mths old. I don't remember much about their rocky relationship but I know my Daddy was in the Navy as a Seabee and had done 3 tours of duty in vietnam. Vietnam really messed him up........I do remember one time of getting my butt blistered when I was in kindergarten, this was shortly before we left him. And having to wear pants to the SRS office because I had bruises up and down my legs from where he hit me with a belt....The story behind the punishment
I was in kindergarten in Independance, Ks. (so I was 5) and school got out. I was suppose to wait at school for my daddy to pick me up but when he didn't show. I walked home with a friend of the family to Iola's house. I remember making it over there and being there for awhile. And then Daddy finally showing up. He was mad. He couldn't find me. He yelled at me for not waiting for him at the school. He told me that he was going to beat me when he got home. And boy did he ever. I can still remember that beating. I don't remember where my mom was at that time. I just remember why I got the beating.
Welcome
I started this blog tonight because of an article that I read. It was written about my brother's foster parents. But in that story, my brother talks about some of the abuse we as children suffered at the hands of our mother's ex-husband. here is a link to the article if you are interested however don't feel sorry for us as there are many children today who are being abused in some shape or form. The statics will scare you so I will not post them.
http://www.saljournal.com/news/story/Foster-Finches-for-Father-s-Day-6-20
http://www.saljournal.com/news/story/Foster-Finches-for-Father-s-Day-6-20
prefacing
I realized tonight when thinking about what to write that I hadn't said a few things that needed to be said........
Number 1~My abuser and my brothers abuser was never prosacuted (spl), so I will never mention his name.....This is out of respect for another brother who knows very little of the abuse......Not because he was so protected but because he was to young to remember the abuse....He hears second hand about the abuse but has a hard time believing it happened.
Number 2~Some of the accounts of abuse have never been told to other people ever but will play a part in how I grew up and into the woman I have become
Number 3~When I talk about my dad, Bob Rose, these recollections of abuse are from several different people.......While my dad did abuse us, I have chosen to forgive him and love him as he was...He is no longer with us on this earth and my heart aches each and every day for him......No one is perfect.......Dad had his faults...He never got treatment for his PTSD from his time as a Seabee in the Navy serving 3 tours of duty in Vietnam, while this does not excuse his behavior it does atribute to it.......
Number 1~My abuser and my brothers abuser was never prosacuted (spl), so I will never mention his name.....This is out of respect for another brother who knows very little of the abuse......Not because he was so protected but because he was to young to remember the abuse....He hears second hand about the abuse but has a hard time believing it happened.
Number 2~Some of the accounts of abuse have never been told to other people ever but will play a part in how I grew up and into the woman I have become
Number 3~When I talk about my dad, Bob Rose, these recollections of abuse are from several different people.......While my dad did abuse us, I have chosen to forgive him and love him as he was...He is no longer with us on this earth and my heart aches each and every day for him......No one is perfect.......Dad had his faults...He never got treatment for his PTSD from his time as a Seabee in the Navy serving 3 tours of duty in Vietnam, while this does not excuse his behavior it does atribute to it.......
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