Its been a long while since I posted here....So many things have happened or not happened...But talking to the one person who knows how to get to my heart strings..Made me realize that even thou I feel as if I have forgiven or forgotten, something always comes back and makes it raw again.....Which is why I'm not sleeping again and not trusting my husband.......My husband would never lay a hand on my girls and I know that but the fear is still there.....I question my parenting all the time...The what ifs are tearing up my soul and heart...What if he is doing it and my daughters don't have enough courage to speak up, what if.....what if......what if........I should trust them enough and know that I have left the door open for them to come talk to me about anything and everything....I pray that if something were to happen of this mangnatude I would have the courage to support my girls and do what is right no matter how my heart or head felt.....


Talking with my little brother tonight, knowing how screwed up he is by the abuse that we suffered.....Seeing him on a self destructive path hurts so much.....I need my little brother back, I need the one who reminds me of my Dad.....I need to forgive what happened to him and know that it wasn't my fault and there was nothing that I could have done to prevent...I need to forgive the people who knew and did nothing to help prevent from happening again or even removing us from the situation before it destroyed our lives and shaped us to the people we are today.....I need to speak more to them....I need to be there for my little brother....He needs to live his life, accept it for what it is, make the changes he needs to...Forgive himself for what happened and know that it wasn't his fault, he did nothing wrong, not one thing wrong....He was a baby, a boy, a perfectly innocent child who should have been protected from the creatures that were around him.......but at the same time he needs to realize he isn't a victim, he is a survivor....He can let life live or he can live life.....But either way he is Bill Aaron Rose and he has every right to be proud of that name and who he is....Embrace who he is and where he is in his life and move on.....Start new......That he is worth something, that he is worth being loved and worth loving someone til it hurts...