While at my mom's for J.D. funeral......I realized how little she thinks of the abuse that we suffered at the hands of her ex-husband......I'm not sure if her reaction to the article that was written about Dennis was a reaction to the passing of J.D. or if it just had to do with the abuse in general.......
Jonathan came down from Chicago and was going to go spend the night at his dad's..........Bobby got wind of this and wanted to make sure Jonathan's dad got a copy of the article as he was the abuser.......Mom's reaction really threw me for a loop........
I printed it out like Bobby had asked....Somehow it got scattered and I had to put it back in order..........Mom told Jonathan with disgust that he might want to read it before giving it to his dad....
Bobby is at the stage where he needs this person to know how the abuse effected him............
We all need him to know that the abuse he inflicted on us is/was not going to effect us in our adult lives in any way...........
Mom still acts as if the abuse was nothing.......That we should just be able to pick up and move on.....I'm sorry mom but we are unable to do that.......
Billy is in jail right now and has been drinking his abuse away for years.......He drinks to be numb, he drinks so he doesn't have to feel....He drinks because he doesn't know how to deal with the thoughts in his mind, the images of the abuse that he suffered, the things he endured at the hands of this man......Hopefully one day he will be able to get to the place in life where he can heal and won't drink no more and finally make the right decisions.........
Bobby went threw the same situation as Billy is going threw now....but Dennis stepped in and was able to get Bobby on the right track.....Though not before he was in and out of jail........Hooked on drugs and beer..........Even after he left Dennis's foster care he made bad choices.........These choices are indirectly related to the abuse that he suffered as a child at the hands of this monster......It took Jesse being born to straighten Bobby up.........That little boy put Bobby on the right path but it took until Jesse was a couple of years old to do that........He finally turned himself around when Jesse was about 3 or 4......got a decent job, quit drinking (One of the hardest things to do), got his life straight and started attending AA......It was there he met Jennifer.....They got married and have 2 boys.........but in the mean time Bobby grew into a man and now owns his own business........he is totally different from the boy he was........Yes he let the abuse effect him but he finally learned to control it and lead his life, not let his life lead him.......
And I now have 6 beautiful kids..........1 of which I lost 17 yrs ago.......I lost him because I was still dealing with the after effects of the sexual abuse I had suffered....there was also mental abuse as well......I didn't know how to care for him........I couldn't care for him........SRS stepped in and took him.........At the time I was very angry, still am to a point but now that I look back I realize how much the results of the abuse had taken control over my life...........Since then I have grown up........I waited to have more kids........I did try to have more kids and had several miscarriages but now I realize that I wasn't meant to have children until I was ready.......When Clayton was just 6 1/2 I discovered I was pg with Alyssa........its a very long story about how we came to be..........but I now own my own home and am a sahm of 5 beautiful kids, 2 girls and 3 boys..........Whom I would give my life to protect......I'm having issues at this time with the abuse that I suffered at the hands of this abuser and that is how my blog came to be........See when I was much younger and going threw theraphy, my therapist told me writing about it would help..........And the thing is, she was right.......only at the time I thought she was crazy.........and didn't do it.....It was because I wasn't ready to heal.......Well now I am........and I'm going to conquer the feelings of worthlessness and become a mom that my kids are proud of..........
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